I\'ve never been a fan of making new year resolutions but I\'ve making a lot of changes lately and the one thing I really want to do this year is learn how to love unconditionally,love someone and finally let go. As easy as falling in love may seem it is a very tricky,wicked little thing when you\'ve never been in love before.
I have always been labeled a \"wallflower.\" Shy, stiff, very dull, never interesting and always alone. My social life non-existent and my love life a blank piece of paper but this year I\'m going to do all my best so that things can change. I\'ve accepted that before I can love anyone I must love myself and understand that if I am willing to tie myself to someone they should feel the same.
Normally, loving comes almost like a second nature to most of us and some of us even have a hard time when there isn\'t someone special in our lives but for me loving always seemed like a weakness and every time I would start to fall for someone it was like my whole system would refuse the emotion. I was very scared of getting hurt or worse, rejected. To me, loving meant giving someone else the tools and power to hurt you very deeply and trusting them to love you enough to not do so.
I was afraid of the power someone has over you when you love them. They become one of the most important parts of your life, if not the most important. They can make your day better with a few words and you would do close to anything for them without them having to say a single word. I was afraid that I wouldn\'t be able to identify love when it came knocking on my door or worse I would ignore it and regret it my whole life.
To me, love meant uncertainty. Not knowing what was coming next, surprises, a roller coaster of emotions and something you can\'t have much control over. It wasn\'t a \"happy joyful feeling\" it was taking chances, opening up and allowing someone to know things about you that you wouldn\'t even tell your shadow. It was knowing what your sickness was but having no control over it.
After years of ignoring what\'s going on around me, refusing to grow up and blocking love out of my life this year I\'m ready to make some changes. I made a big decision in 2010 where I pushed all things aside and decided to work on myself. It continued all the way through 2011 and before I knew it I was no longer afraid of wearing different colors or afraid of being social. I wasn\'t afraid of giving my opinion on simple things and even though I AM STILL a very awkward person, I was able to understand that true friends don\'t have an issue with that.
The biggest change would have to be my attitude. I decided to not be so negative and leave the past where it belongs, in the past, because, if someone was going to love me I wanted them to love ME and not the person I became. I wanted them to find someone who they can count on and I wanted them to fall in love with the awkward, shy,nerdy and usually very funny girl that lives within me. Now that I know what I want things do seem a lot easier and hopefully 2012 is filled with a lot of surprises for me! Did I mention that I actually like those too now? :) I am ready for love and wish everyone a happy new year!
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